The Very Model Of…


The following is dedicated to Alex Roy and is to be sung to the tune of “Modern Major General”.

I am the very model of a shilling pseudo-journalist,
My judgement compromised by so-called conflicts others say exist,
But don’t you dare call me out, it’ll get my knickers in a twist,
It’s been a lot of work becoming Elon’s fave panegyrist.
As lampreys latch to sharks and models hook up with industrialists,
As palaces attracteth eunuchs, cultists do propagandists;
A Manichean Tesla über-fanboi fundamentalist,
I’ve made myself the Squealer of a narcissistic physicist.

The other sites I’ve dissed and hissed at, had a lead on this upstart
But now I’ve trounced their traffic as the S.V. E.V. crowd’s Breitbart.
I’m not a bigot though, that’s vile, but I find no ignominy
In full-throated support of firms accused of rank misogyny.

Hey, cut me slack, not every hack can get their site and selves enlist-
ed in the service of a Donald Trump-surpassing nepotist;
So when I quote bon mots from that bald, hair-plugged techno-fetishist
Admit it haters, you don’t have — you never had — the stuff for this!
Only an elite breed can be a pugilistic publicist,
To amplify the promises of squillionaires whose rings you’ve kissed
Uncritically, with Zen detachment from their science fictiveness,
Then vilify complainants asking when the features will be fixed.

By giving Musk a taste for yes men this unlikely Petyr pawn
Has helped him grow from humble crow to King Joffrey Baratheon.
His best lieutenants gone, he’s become all the more dependent on
This man of prose so congee-soft I still have every mamelon.

If this adventure should collapse, implode and come un-”ravelin”
I’ll write a Kitty Kelley tell-all bio I can tattle in,
But that won’t happen. Elon thinks the silicon apocalypse
Will usher in utopia – ignore the doubting Third Wave hicks,

The labour boards or injured workers, DOJ or SEC
You can’t make omelettes without disrupting laws, er, eggs you see.
All those who’ve studied ethics should go back to the academy
And trust megalomaniacs to solve our problems perfectly.

I loyally support my Lord, a willing neo-feudalist,
Without His fame my own importance wouldn’t rate an asterisk.
Perhaps my judgement’s bent by conflicts that may or may not exist;
I am the very model of a shilling pseudo-journalist.